Trump Administration Refuses to Cooperate in Impeachment Inquiry, Take Out Trash, Clean Room, or Hug Weird Aunt

SAN FRANCISCO — In a firm letter, White House General Counsel declared that they would not cooperate with the Democrats’ ongoing impeachment inquiry, stating it’s, “Totally unfair. You never make Mike Pence testify!” Additionally, the White House outlined its refusal to comply with requests to take out the trash, clean their room, or hug Rep. Adam Schiff’s Aunt Gertrude at the next White House Christmas party, as she “smells like a combination of Bengay, chicken soup, and cat pee.” 

House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi has kept a calm public face throughout the turmoil, but sources from inside her office indicate her patience is wearing thin. “She’s pissed,” said an anonymous staffer. “She’s had enough of his attitude. If he doesn’t start showing some basic respect, she’s going to start revoking his privileges.”

Rumors have circulated in the halls of Congress that the newly empowered Democrats might reduce the president’s screen time, refuse him rides to the Mall and Mar-a-Lago, or say no more sleepovers with his friend Vladimir. 

When asked to comment on these rumors, White House Counsel scoffed and said, “whatevs,” before plugging in their earbuds and returning to their phone. 

Democrats spent the week debating internally how to respond to White House Counsel, who have kept their door closed with a “KEEP OUT” message taped to the outside. “On the one hand, we don’t want to appear mean,” said a Congressional source. “On the other hand, when a president breaks the rules, he or she needs to face the consequences. I don’t know what to do, this is so hard. Why don’t presidents come with instruction manuals?”

At the end of the weekend, White House Counsel slipped a second official letter from under their door. In closing, it stated that Congress “has never understood me and never will! I can’t wait until I can finally move out of this dump.”

According to a staffer, Pelosi read the letter and whispered under her breath, “You and me both, pal.”

Suzanne Carroll