Single Dad at Chuck E. Cheese Feeling Pretty Smug about that Vasectomy
By Charlotte E. Fromage
ROHNERT PARK, CA — As dozens of unsupervised children ran shrieking with delight around the arcade floor of Chuck E. Cheese, Lance Terrington deftly dodged a foam ball that had been aimed straight for his head. In the background, animatronic rats lip-synced to “Baby Shark,” which was apparently playing on a continuous loop. The music, however, was nearly drowned out by the blaring noise of every manner of arcade game, from Whack-a-Mole to Skee-Ball.
Terrington leaned back in a red vinyl booth. Then, he abruptly leaned forward, realizing that his flannel shirt had adhered to something sticky. He avoided leaning back again.
“Don’t get me wrong,” explained Terrington. “I love my little guy. He’s great. He just started first grade, in fact. But a little goes a long way, and for me and my wife - my ex-wife, I mean - it was one and… DONE,” he said, making a swiping gesture with his right hand.
“I was with Cynthia the whole time she was in labor. It was brutal. She squeezed my hand so hard at one point that she actually broke one of my fingers. I asked the doctor who was delivering the baby if she could tell me who gave the best vasectomy in town. She gave me this dirty look and told me that this was a difficult breech birth and she had to concentrate on delivering my son right now. But later on, she gave me some names.”
At that moment, a slice of pepperoni pizza hit Terrington in the face. “I’m not saying I’m smarter than other parents,” said Terrington, trying to blot the grease off his cheek with a thin white paper napkin. “Actually, I am saying that,” he admitted, shrugging and grinning. “The vasectomy was a genius move. No more running out of condoms, no more asking my date if she’s on the pill and wondering if she’s lying. I mean, sure, you’ve got to watch out for herpes and I guess AIDS, but you’ve eliminated an entire X factor.”
Just then, a little boy ran up to Terrington, grabbing him by the arm. “Daddy! Daddy! I need more tokens!” he whined. Terrington sighed and stood up, taking his son’s hand, but not before asking this reporter if she was single and if he could get her number.