Corte Madera Asks Grandpas Their Pet Peeves and Makes New City Laws Accordingly

By Grumpington Oldman

CORTE MADERA — The town of Corte Madera, having lost a bet to twin city and sibling rival Larkspur, recently enacted a series of laws based on focus group results from local grandpas who had been waiting over an hour for lunch and had become increasingly hungry.

Although the Marin Independent Journal previously reported on Corte Madera’s proposed bans on leaf blowers and prohibition on hammering nails on a federal holiday, the Daily Weekly spoke personally with some of the grandpas who as of press time, were still waiting at a Marin Joe’s table for their corned beef and cabbage.

“It’s not so much the noise of the leaf blowers that I object to,” says Chuck Clausen, 85, of Corte Madera. “It’s the lack of work ethic. The sheer laziness. In my day, you used a rake. And if you didn’t have a rake, you used your hands. And if you didn’t have hands, you blew the leaves into a pile with your mouth.”

Victor Garrison, 79, of Corte Madera, invented the new hammering laws. “It’s high time hammers contained silencers,” says Victor Garrison, 79, of Corte Madera. “A hammer can be just as loud as a leaf blower, depending on what you’re hammering. And there’s nothing louder than my next door neighbor hammering his kid’s tree house together on Labor Day.”

Trent Knopf, 91, also of Corte Madera, is responsible for the new laws restricting what Corte Madera residents can watch on television. “I’m not trying to tell people how to spend their time in front of the box, but the only television station worth watching is PBS and the only program on PBS worth watching is Frontline. People should only watch Frontline,” he said. And possibly 60 Minutes,” he added.

Other new Corte Madera laws, also created by Clausen, Garrison, and Knopf, will include bans on chewing gum while sitting, eating ice cream in public without a permit, and talking to a cute dog without petting it.

Kate JamesComment