Death-Proof Jimmy Carter Urged to Save Democrats, Forever 21
By Rita Skeeter
PLAINS, GA — Surrounded by friends, family, and political nostalgia, former President Jimmy Carter celebrated his 95th birthday on Tuesday. However, the music of his loved ones singing, “Happy Birthday!” was drowned out by incessant text message notifications.
“My great grandkids told me, ‘Grandpa! Your phone is blowing up!’ And so I had the Secret Service detonate it. I’m calling you from a pay phone. Can you hear me?” shouted Carter politely in his Georgia drawl.
Of the 1,500 text messages Carter had received over the past week, an overwhelming majority were from Nancy Pelosi, Forever 21 CEO Don Chang, and Walgreen’s, to let him know his prescriptions were ready.
The Democratic Party, hoping for a strong presidential candidate, is pressuring Carter to run again. “All of the Democratic front-runners are White and old,” explained Nancy Pelosi. '“Former President Carter is also White and old, but he’s the only old White person who can write a bestselling book, build houses for the less fortunate, teach Sunday school, and broker peace in the Middle East all in the space of an afternoon. That makes him stand out.
“The real clincher – and this is what will ultimately sway voters - is that former President Carter already has the word ‘President’ in his name.”
Don Chang, CEO of Forever 21, the retail chain which recently declared bankruptcy and is known for its unique brand of “fast fashion,” had this to say: “Spit it out! I don’t have all day!” Chang continued: “I’m sorry – I’m under a lot of pressure here. You can’t put both ‘Forever’ and ‘21’ in your store’s name and let your chain essentially die.
“I want to know how Jimmy Carter has lasted this long,” said Chang, once again becoming agitated. “Is it unicorn blood? Hoarcruxes? Does he actually have a time turner? Weren’t all of the time turners destroyed at the Ministry of Magic in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix? Oh my gosh. It’s the sorceror’s stone. Of course…”
Although Carter insists he does not collect rocks and has never split his soul to create hoarcruxes, he would not unequivocally deny that he owns a portrait of himself that is aging in his place.
“I have some pictures on my refrigerator that my great grandkids drew of Grampy Carter. Does that count?” he asked.