Earth Slams EPA for Prioritizing SF Homeless Problem Over Global Warming

By Adam Ritter EARTH — At an early-morning press conference on Friday, the Earth slammed the EPA over its recent statements about San Francisco’s homeless problem.

“San Francisco’s homeless issue needs to be addressed, but why is the Environmental Protection Agency getting involved?” asked Earth. “Shouldn’t the EPA be more concerned about the environment? Me? Seems to me that a Federal Agency getting involved in a solidly blue municipality in the current climate, is just a political stunt for conservative news.”

The Earth continued by listing “more pressing environmental problems: pollution, auto emissions standards, waste management, the Pacific Garbage patch, over-fishing—and jeez, it’s like a furnace in here! Can someone turn on some AC?” The Earth was visibly upset, as evidenced by violent shaking at several heated moments during the press conference, including when a reporter asked the Earth about its record on global warming, pointing out the many claims that climate change is a hoax. As it shook, the Earth replied: “Ooooooooh…many claims?!?!?! Ohhhhhh, well I guess I lose that debate—all I have is this stack of scientific FACTS.

When asked about whether it had been visited by alien life, the Earth responded, “Well, if a nice, environmentally-sensitive, carbon-based life-form comes along, I’d be open to listening to what they have to say.”

Drew MeritComment