After a Lifetime of Inconvenience, Nursing Mother Discovers Breasts Can Come in Handy

By E.E.E. Chesterton

SAN RAFAEL, CA — For her first ten years on earth, Amy barely noticed her breasts. Then, at age 11, her breasts began to push their way in, insisting on becoming a bigger part of Amy’s life.

They became demanding. First, they wanted a bra. Next, they turned P.E. class into a nightmare – making it embarrassing to undress in front of the other girls and extremely painful to get hit in the chest with a dodge ball.  

Over the years, they became opinionated. In department store dressing rooms, they ruled out cute blouse after cute blouse, causing otherwise perfect-fitting tops to be too tight. Worse, a pretty button-down shirt would seem to fit, until Amy wore it to work, where a huge peephole would manifest itself between the buttons – inevitably on the days she wore an ugly bra.

Amy began to ask herself why she had breasts in the first place, when they only caused problems.

Until one day, Amy became pregnant. And nine months after that, she went into labor. And 31 hours after that, she gave birth. Her newborn baby cried out in hunger. And suddenly, the same breasts that had caused her so much turmoil were the very equipment she needed to pacify her young charge. In fact, her nipples were exactly like pacifiers, only better: they oozed nutrition.

It was then that Amy had an epiphany: “Ah,” she said (not out loud). “This is what breasts are for.”

“For a good twenty years,” Amy explained, “I didn’t see the point of breasts. What good were they? They meant you couldn’t take off your shirt when you were hot. And unless you’re pretty flat, you practically hit yourself in the face when you go jogging. And if you are on the flat side, you feel bad because you don’t look ‘womanly’ enough.  

“Worse, after age 40, your breasts become this trendy nightclub where cancer cells wait in line to get in. You have to hire a bouncer to check i.d. in the form of groping yourself in the shower.

“But now that I have a baby, I feel like I’m finally reaping some benefits. I have these 100% organic, portable snack packs that never needed to be refrigerated, and not because they’re full of scary preservatives.

“In short, I’d highly recommend breasts to any woman anticipating giving birth. And for women who don’t plan on having kids, I can only say that unless you have a receipt, unfortunately, you cannot return your breasts. But, you might be able to exchange them.

“Just not for a penis. No one wants one of those.”

Kate JamesComment