Easier to Sell San Geronimo Golf Course Than Rename It, Conclude Locals

By Geronimo Stilton

SAN GERONIMO VALLEY, CA — The San Geronimo Golf Course has been sold, to the disappointment of thousands of Marin County golfers and the delight of Marin IJ Op-Ed enthusiasts everywhere.

Some blame the sale on lack of profitability. Others point accusingly at a small group of citizens’ keen interest in the sex lives of salmon. But Daryl Dixie, avid golfer, insists that the sale of the golf course had nothing to do with either, and everything to do with its name. Specifically, the name, “Geronimo.”

“The problem is,” Dixie explains, “there was actually someone named Geronimo. He was an Apache leader. And any time you have something named after a someone, there’s gonna be trouble. It doesn’t matter if the golf course - or subsequently San Geronimo Valley - was actually named after the person of Geronimo. What matters is what people assume.

“Pretty soon, the online petitions start piling up. You’ve got town hall meetings every day of the week but Sunday, endless letters to the editor, and all-caps posts to Nextdoor with 354 comments, you know, with Cheryl Lawson going back and forth with Don on McKeon Court. Better to just sell the golf course and avoid all that.”

The new golf course owners, the Trust for Public Land, have similarly opted to stay out of any hypothetical controversy by closing the golf course and letting the place, as Dixie puts it, “go back to nature.”

“Now that the golf course is closed,” says Dixie,” the Marin County Board of Supervisors is considering closing San Geronimo Valley, too. It’s probably for the best.”

In addition, the County of Marin has issued a statement that in light of the San Geronimo Golf Course closure, citizens should take precautions against using the name “Geronimo” in public. 

Specifically, citizens should refrain from yelling, “GERONIMO!” while jumping from planes or engaging in cliff-diving exploits. Suggested alternative exclamations include: “I FEEL AMBIVALENT ABOUT MY PERSONAL SAFETY!” Or, if pressed for time: “I’M HELLA COOL!”

Stuart Little and Ralph S. Mouse also contributed to this story. 

Kate JamesComment